Writing > Five Things I Could Do with a Certain Degree of Confidence Were I to Be Named in Tonight's Yankees Line-up
Five Things I Could Do with a Certain Degree of Confidence Were I to Be Named in Tonight's Yankees Line-up

Swing my bat standing in the on-deck circle
Tap the catcher's shin guards with my bat
Have my ass patted by the first base coach
Chat with the first baseman
Argue with the umpire

Five Things I Absolutely Could Not Do with a Certain Degree of Confidence Were I to Be Named in Tonight's Yankees Line-up

Hit the ball
Field the ball
Steal a base
Not have a beard
Spit sunflower seed shells without them dribbling down my chin