Once upon a time there was a hoary old King who lived in a castle with his daughter. The Princess was a beautiful talented young lady, but the King had grown tired of her.
“The Princess doesn’t thrill me as she used to,” said the King, flicking leisurely through a porn mag.
But the people of the land still adored the Princess even though they had not seen her for several years.
Then one day, a brave local snuck into the castle and climbed the tower and looked through the Princess’ window and saw that she was more beautiful than ever.
When he returned to the people he told many tales of his brief glimpse of her beauty. The people gathered around and ooh-ed and aah-ed. They went off and told other people, and soon the whole land knew that the Princess was only getting lovelier with age.
Other intrepid serfs climbed the tower, and with each one’s return, another angle of the Princess’ beauty became known.
One day, the King heard tale of the intruders.
“How dare they!?” boomed the King, as he flicked through the channels on his TV.
The King went into a big strop and kicked over a few chairs and slapped a jester for being too smiley.
The rumours didn’t stop reaching the King, though. All the news he heard was that the Princess was one of the most beautiful creatures in all of the land.
Reluctantly, the King looked at his daughter with fresh eyes. He still didn’t quite see it, but knowing it was a chance for him to boost his ratings in the polls, decided that on the 16 August, he would allow the Princess out onto the Royal balcony for all to see. (Plus, he was pissing away money when he could quite clearly charge the commoners to come and see his divine treasure of a daughter.)
So he got his PR girl – a perky young lass called Davina that he secretly had his regal eye on – to draft a press release. It read as follows:
“Princess’ Long Awaited Re-appearance In Society
Acclaimed beauty Princess Fiona is due to make her highly anticipated re-emergence into society on October 4, 2005.
Today she launches her new official website at www.princess-fiona.com unveiling photographs and fashion tips. Fans visiting the site will be the first to see two high definition photos of her in luscious royal gowns. In addition to the launch of the site, there will be an online promotion allowing fans to enter to win a photo and a chance to see Princess Fiona playing the harpsichord live in concert in the castle banquet hall.”
The King was happy with the statement. He slapped Davina’s arse, then stomped off feeling better and less embarrassed about his short-sightedness regarding the beautiful Princess Fiona.
But the people of the land knew the King had thwarted previous attempts for the Princess’ appearance in public, and still thought that he was a money-grabbing, old, wrinkly bastard. Even so, they reluctantly handed over their money for a chance to see their darling Fiona. (Although some snuck in for free around the back, as is often the case.)
Hope you like my little story. On a completely, totally un-related topic (one that if you were to even try and draw any comparisons, you would be a considered a Communist sympathiser), it seems, having looked at this on Stereogum, that Fiona Apple‘s jaw-droppingly beautiful album, Extraordinary Machine, long afloat on the open seas of the Internet, is finally being released by Sony Music. But as I say, please don’t think that the story and this piece of entertainment news are related.