Flip Flop Flying

The tale of Princess Fiona

with 16 comments

Once upon a time there was a hoary old King who lived in a castle with his daughter. The Princess was a beautiful talented young lady, but the King had grown tired of her.
“The Princess doesn’t thrill me as she used to,” said the King, flicking leisurely through a porn mag.
But the people of the land still adored the Princess even though they had not seen her for several years.

Then one day, a brave local snuck into the castle and climbed the tower and looked through the Princess’ window and saw that she was more beautiful than ever.
When he returned to the people he told many tales of his brief glimpse of her beauty. The people gathered around and ooh-ed and aah-ed. They went off and told other people, and soon the whole land knew that the Princess was only getting lovelier with age.
Other intrepid serfs climbed the tower, and with each one’s return, another angle of the Princess’ beauty became known.
One day, the King heard tale of the intruders.

“How dare they!?” boomed the King, as he flicked through the channels on his TV.
The King went into a big strop and kicked over a few chairs and slapped a jester for being too smiley.
The rumours didn’t stop reaching the King, though. All the news he heard was that the Princess was one of the most beautiful creatures in all of the land.

Reluctantly, the King looked at his daughter with fresh eyes. He still didn’t quite see it, but knowing it was a chance for him to boost his ratings in the polls, decided that on the 16 August, he would allow the Princess out onto the Royal balcony for all to see. (Plus, he was pissing away money when he could quite clearly charge the commoners to come and see his divine treasure of a daughter.)

So he got his PR girl – a perky young lass called Davina that he secretly had his regal eye on – to draft a press release. It read as follows:

“Princess’ Long Awaited Re-appearance In Society
Acclaimed beauty Princess Fiona is due to make her highly anticipated re-emergence into society on October 4, 2005.
Today she launches her new official website at www.princess-fiona.com unveiling photographs and fashion tips. Fans visiting the site will be the first to see two high definition photos of her in luscious royal gowns. In addition to the launch of the site, there will be an online promotion allowing fans to enter to win a photo and a chance to see Princess Fiona playing the harpsichord live in concert in the castle banquet hall.”

The King was happy with the statement. He slapped Davina’s arse, then stomped off feeling better and less embarrassed about his short-sightedness regarding the beautiful Princess Fiona.
But the people of the land knew the King had thwarted previous attempts for the Princess’ appearance in public, and still thought that he was a money-grabbing, old, wrinkly bastard. Even so, they reluctantly handed over their money for a chance to see their darling Fiona. (Although some snuck in for free around the back, as is often the case.)

The End.

Hope you like my little story. On a completely, totally un-related topic (one that if you were to even try and draw any comparisons, you would be a considered a Communist sympathiser), it seems, having looked at this on Stereogum, that Fiona Apple‘s jaw-droppingly beautiful album, Extraordinary Machine, long afloat on the open seas of the Internet, is finally being released by Sony Music. But as I say, please don’t think that the story and this piece of entertainment news are related.

Written by Craig

August 15th, 2005 at 9:53 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

16 Responses to 'The tale of Princess Fiona'

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  1. My head hurts.

    ed

    15 Aug 05 at 11:05 pm

  2. You were in the The Times yesterday: Magic!

    Anonymous

    15 Aug 05 at 11:54 pm

  3. Who was? Ed or me or Princess Fiona?
    Anyone got a copy they can scan for me?

    Craig

    16 Aug 05 at 12:02 am

  4. Certainly wasn’t me. weblink would be cool. Ooh craig, time to call the lawyers :D

    ed

    16 Aug 05 at 12:31 am

  5. Why do I need a lawyer?

    Craig

    16 Aug 05 at 1:26 am

  6. Oh, and by the way: which city or nation’s Times?

    Craig

    16 Aug 05 at 1:27 am

  7. Sorry, I should have said The Sunday Times (UK) – try this link?

    http://technology.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,19510-1733552_2,00.html

    Does it work?
    If you want, I can also send you the actual article – don’t think I have thrown it out yet…

    Anonymous

    16 Aug 05 at 11:32 am

  8. i obviously didn’t read the times v well yesterday – did’t see you! will keep looking and scan and send if i find it…

    Tori

    16 Aug 05 at 11:32 am

  9. Thanks for the link, works perfectly. “Quiet genuis” aaaah, that’s great!

    Craig

    16 Aug 05 at 11:42 am

  10. Sweet :)

    ed

    16 Aug 05 at 12:45 pm

  11. man.. fiona apples album is only just out?? Ive had it for yonks! Its a great piece of work though. Fiona is great

    philipino

    16 Aug 05 at 12:59 pm

  12. Well, it’s not actually out until October, by which point I’ll have been listening to it for eight or nine months myself, too.
    And yes, it’s a stunning record.

    Craig

    16 Aug 05 at 1:17 pm

  13. Magic.

    Tori

    16 Aug 05 at 2:46 pm

  14. The actual release in October will have one new song and 9 of the other ones have been reworked.

    Thoroughly Amused

    16 Aug 05 at 6:49 pm

  15. will anyone actually buy it for an extra song and reworked ones though?

    philipino

    20 Aug 05 at 3:16 pm

  16. I guess people who haven’t heard it might. It’s easy to think that EVERYONE downloads EVERYTHING and everyone is in-the-know. But they aren’t, so I guess to 99.5% of the population, this is a completely new record that they’ve never heard.

    Craig

    20 Aug 05 at 4:05 pm

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