It’s 20:46 Central European Time, it’s Friday night, I’m sat in front of the telly, so why not blog at the same time?
So, I’m watching the show. I missed the beginning as I’d just got out of the bath, and listening to Sepp Blater bang on about stuff wasn’t worth hurrying up for. Right now there’s some old German fella called Horst Something kicking a ball… and ooh, it was just a ploy to link to a black and white film of previous World Cup stuff.
Right, while this is on, I’m gonna get some socks…
Now we’ve got Heidi Klum talking in English about Franz bloody Beckenbauer… good player and all that, but there’s something about him that rubs me up the wrong way. Maybe it’s that he’s one of those too-well-turned-out old fellas. I like my old fellas with a bit of scruffiness about them. Ear hair, dandruff, trousers that don’t fit properly…
Wolfgang Becker, director of Goodbye Lenin, made a film… Oooh, it’s nice. A bit. There’s Ravel’s Bolero playing. Water sprinklers, kid kicking ball against a shed, woman knitting a football scarf, more kicking against walls, a fireman getting a ball out of a tree, girls kicking balls, dudes playing keepy-up on top of shipping containers, monks playing, mothers hanging out school team kits, cows, urinals, bloke cleaning seats in a stadium, football outside the Reichstag, old men swapping stickers, bloke on scaffolding playing football with himself (the ball’s on elastic), oh there’s Franz again, playing in an empty swimming pool… you get the idea.
Now, I’m gonna stick the kettle on for a cup of tea.
Now we’ve got Franz with the actual ball he played with in 1970, apparently. He’s kicking it up to link with film just like Horst did. Aaah 1974, the glorious Dutch. Such a shame they didn’t win… Oooh, now the Italians winning in ’82, best goal celebration EVER… Now Maradona beating England in ’86.
Oh God, there’s a magician now.
Woman in a box that was empty a moment ago, yes well done. He’s locked in a box now with some dominatrix assistant waving a big black flag. Oooh, he’s out the box, she’s in it. A. Maze. Ing.
Now he’s ripping up a newspaper. Guess what happens… Yep, you’re right. Too much Jonathan Creek has jaded me when it comes to this type of magic. It’s all boxes. Appearing and disappearing, with drastic pseudo metal soundtracking the tricks.
Oh no, there’s the World Cup mascot. That doppy lion. Mascots are rubbish, aren’t they?
It gets worse. the lion is holding a talking football. It’s like ventriloquism with a remote-controlled football face thing. And without seeing the mouth of a mascot move, it’s not very impressive.
Now one of those all-inclusive songs with whistling, a bit of a dancey beat, some bloke trying a Bob Marley impression, and a brazillion kids with flags.
Just spent the last five minutes searching for my cigarettes. Where the hell are they? Eventually found them sat on top of the telly. We’ve got another round-up of previous World Cups now… 2002, go on Ronaldo!
Oh, and that ball that they kept kicking up, well it came down and Michael Ballack caught it on his foot and did some showing off. Well done. His tie is a nice lime green, though. They’re talking about the new World Cup ball design. It’s horrible. That nasty modern fluid style of design.
Some singer live in the studio. He might be Italian, I think. Heidi Klum’s dancing anyway.
Oh, he was Columbian.
Oooh, it’s actually gonna begin in a moment.
Some talking to men in suits…
There’s 8 big half-ball-shaped things which the teams’ll be in. Personally, I want England to not have Holland, Czech Republic or USA. I hope we get Australia so we can give them a good spanking.
Here we go…
Well, not until after a long intro of each of the wall picking chaps. All ex-players, including Pelé.
Group A: Germany, Costa Rica, Poland, Ecuador.
Group B: England, Paraguay, Trinidad & Tobago, Sweden.
Group C: Argentina, Côte d’Ivoire, Serbia & Montenegro, Netherlands.
Group D: México, Iran, Angola, Portugal.
Group E: Italy, Ghana, USA, Czech Republic.
Group F: Brasil, Croatia, Australia, Japan.
Group G: France, Switzerland, Korea Republic, Togo.
Group H: Spain, Ukraine, Tunisia, Saudi Arabia.
So there we go. Next summer sorted.
Germany get an easy group yet again. England’s group shouldn’t prove too tough, but Sweden again!? Argentina v Holland looks like the highlight of all the group games. My American mate sounded a bit disheartened when he heard the other teams in USA’s group. And Brasil, Croatia, Japan and Australia looks like a cracking group.
Conclusion: England will win the World Cup! (Joke.)
Now there’s an orchestra of kids playing some Beethoven, Mozart and Strauss stuff. My cue to turn off the telly.