Flip Flop Flying

John

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There’s this bloke, right, called John. He used to be a soldier, and one day he goes to see a mate of his, and when he gets there he finds out his mate’s not there; he died of cancer. So he’s walking through a nearby town, feeling a bit glum, and gets hassled by this sheriff, who’s like, we dont want your sort round here, and he takes him to the other end of town in his police car. But John’s a bit miffed by this, cos he just wants something to eat, so after the sheriff has turned back, so does he, then the sheriff sees him in his mirror and he stops and pulls his gun out and tells him to put his hands on the car, and arrests him and takes him to the police station. There’s another policeman there and he’s a bit nasty to John, and they’re treating him rough ‘n all. John sees the bars of the cell they want to put him in and has a bit of flashback of being in ‘Nam, and he loses it and beats up three or four policemen and escapes.
He runs into the street and pulls a guy off a motorbike and speeds off into the hills. The cops are all after him in their cars. He dumps the bike and sets off up into the hills on foot, and the cops have got dogs out after him. John climbs across this cliff face, and the nasty cop is in a helicopter, hanging out the window and shooting at him. The pilot can’t keep the chopper still, and the cop threatens him. Just as his shots are getting closer to John, he jumps off the cliff into some trees which break his fall. The helicopter pilot can’t keep it still cos of the swirling air and the nasty cop falls out and lands on the rocks and dies.
But the other cops are still after John, but he’s tough and he beats up some more. Then this colonel who used to be John’s boss comes along and warns the sheriff that John’s really tough, and the sheriff is like, yeh whatever, and calls the National Guard in, and they think they’ve trapped him in a disused mine, and they’re like, you got ten seconds to come out with your hands up. John doesn’t come out and they send explosives into the mine, and everyone’s like woo! cos they think they’ve killed John.
But the colonel knows John’s a tough cookie and reckons he might still be alive. And he is. He’s going deeper into the mine and it’s like totally full of water and rats and all disgusting, but he gets out, and he sees some soldiers in a load of trucks and he jumps onto the roof of the last truck and overpowers the driver and chucks him out. The driver runs and tells everyone that John’s still alive and they’re like, oh no!
But John’s going back to the town, and he drives the truck into a petrol station and it totally explodes, then he goes to a gun shop and makes that explode too. The police are going mental with all the bad stuff, but the sheriff is alone back at the station and he knows something’s gonna happen, and goes up to the roof, then he sees John inside through the skylight and John sees him and is shooting into the roof and the sheriff falls through the skylight and is all, oh no, I’m gonna die. Just then the colonel comes in and says, no John, don’t kill him.
By now the cops have surrounded the place and there’s no way out and John starts crying and telling the colonel that all his buddies from ‘Nam are dead and he’s pretty down about it. Then he gets arrested.

Then it’s like a few years later and John is a prisoner and he’s breaking rocks in the hot sun thinking, I fought the law and the law won, when a guard comes up and says there’s a bloke here to see you, and John goes to the fence and it’s the colonel who tells him he’s got a mission he’d like him to work on, and if he helps out he might get a pardon from the president.
So they go to Vietnam, and there’s this guy who wants John to go in and check out if there’s still and POWs left from the war. He wants him to take photos and come back then they’ll go in, mob-handed, and break ‘em free. So John’s dropped off in the jungle where he meets this Vietnamese lass who’s dead pretty and she leads him to the camp, and at first they think it’s empty, then they see it isn’t. So John goes in to check stuff out, and lo and behold, he finds a load of knackered looking POWs. He breaks free with one of them, and they’re just about to be air-lifted to safety when the guy in charge off the mission tells the pilot to abort! abort! and they fly off leaving John and the POW right in the middle of nowhere with loads of soldiers pointing guns at them.
They’re brought back and the Russians, who are helping out the Vietnamese soldiers, are torturing John but he’s still tough. Then the pretty girl gets in to the camp by pretending to be a lady of the night all ooh la la like. She helps break John free and starts killing loads of people with his big bow and arrow and his big knife. Then the pretty lady gets killed just after John had kissed her and it was sad.
So he makes a headband from a bit of her dress and gets really angry and kills loads more soldiers, nearly a whole army. He eventually gets a helicopter and goes back and picks up all the POWs, and flies them back to safety, then goes and shoots up the bad army guys office and threatens to kill him, but doesn’t. Then he walks off and is a hero.

Then it’s like another three years later and John’s fighting wth sticks for money in Thailand. The colonel is watching him and he follows him to a monastery, where he lives and helps the monks out with building stuff and carrying heavy stuff. The colonel’s with this other guy who wants John to and help out the Mujahideen who are are fighting the Russians in Afghanistan. John’s like, no, I’ve done my time. But the colonel goes anyway and is caught.
When John finds out, he’s like, OK, I’m going in. So he goes to the border with Pakistan and gets tooled up. He meets some Afghan rebels and they’re all like dead friendly, and there’s a young lad who’s cool that John likes. He joins in with a game they’re playing on horseback where they throw a dead sheep around, then the Russian helicopters come in and – kaboom! – kill loads of people.
So he makes a plan to go into the place where they’re holding the colonel. He goes with his Afghan mate, but the kid tags along, and they’re like, you must go back, and he’s like, no I won’t. John kills loads of Russians and rescues the colonel and the kid gets shot and he helps them out, but just when they think they are free, some more Russians find John and the colonel and they’re trapped in a cave, but John kills them all and they’re walking back to the border and suddenly there’s loads of tanks and helicopters and it seems like John’s for it now, but no, the Afghan rebels join in and there’s an almighty fight and loads of people die, but John and the colonel get out alive!

I dunno about you, but I reckon they could make a good trilogy of films about this John guy.

Written by Craig

May 1st, 2006 at 10:28 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

10 Responses to 'John'

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  1. This just in from Pedant’s Corner:

    “He dumps the back” = “He dumps the bike”?

    pauldwaite

    1 May 06 at 10:53 pm

  2. Yes, well done.

    Craig

    2 May 06 at 12:28 am

  3. and “John’s fighting wth sticks”, wtf or with or both?

    Did this take long to type?
    It really is an amazing tale but I just can’t see Hollywood making a film called JOHN.

    Sir Loin

    2 May 06 at 12:55 am

  4. Oh, wait. They did already. A few times.

    BUM! my crappy joke falls flat.

    MC Pee Pants

    2 May 06 at 12:57 am

  5. FIRST BLOOD?

    Anonymous

    2 May 06 at 1:28 am

  6. Your narrated version is the first one I enjoy, actually.

    Impa

    2 May 06 at 6:58 am

  7. *lol* Well, THAT’s the way to tell a story!
    Stallone would be proud to see his accomplishments described in such a summarized fashion.

    Elisabeth

    2 May 06 at 8:35 am

  8. The Wonderful, Weird and Slightly Bizaare World of Craig’s Imagination…

  9. I think First Blood is a genuinely good film. Even Barry Norman said so. Shame about the rest.

    Mark

    2 May 06 at 1:49 pm

  10. I agree, Dave, it’s a cracker. Rambo is a good film, too, in a slightly ridiculous way. Rambo III is balls, though.

    Craig

    2 May 06 at 4:02 pm

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