Apparently, there’s a World Cup about to begin here in Germany. Not that you’d know it from every fucking shop having some tenuous link to it in their window (World Cup soap! World Cup bicycle chain! World Cup angina pills).
Over the past couple of days the rubbish bins attached to lamp posts have been re-designed with some all-over sticker thing that, ha ha, looks like a goal, so, like, you’re scoring a goal when you put your rubbish in the bin. Genius.
Last night I ordered a pizza online. I’m not proud of it, but I wanted some stodgy cheesiness. Despite their banner ads – Pizza Is Coming Home – I didn’t go for one of Call a Pizza‘s World Cup-themed pizzas. Thirty two of them, each representing a team playing in the World Cup with its toppings. Here’s a picture of them all.
Germany: salami and cheese
Simple. Classic. Straight forward. Efficient.
Costa Rica: ham, pineapple and extra cheese
It’s a bit tropical there, thus pineapple.
Poland: mushrooms and feta cheese.
This one screams: damn! Greece didn’t qualify!
Ecuador: ham, mushrooms and jalapeños.
Near the equator, so, err, ham, and… err, mushrooms, and, err, something hot?
Argentina: spicy beef, onions and extra cheese
“That’s where they make cows, innit?”
Ivory Coast : spicy beef, sweetcorn and jalapeños
England: bacon and eggs
Oi! oi! oi! Wallop! Roll aaaht the barrel! I want extra chips on top. And a nice cuppa tea to wash it daaaaahn.
Paraguay: bacon and jalepeños
The guy who thought of the idea to do World Cup pizzas is now sweating a bit cos he’s running out of possible toppings, and he realises his geography isn’t so good.
Trinidad and Tobago: salami and chili peppers
“Err, dunno. Dieter, can you call your black mate, see what he likes?”
Angola: spinach and gorgonzola
I’ve never been to Angola. I know virtually nothing about Angola, but I’m guessing that Call a Pizza are assuming that’s the case with their topping choices here.
Iran: curry sauce, “curry chicken breast,” pineapple and extra cheese
Iran… it’s nearly an anagram of India…
Schweden: salami, ham, mushrooms and chili peppers
C’mon, dude: go to IKEA, have a look around the food section; you could’ve chosen meatballs for fuck’s sake.
Serbia & Montenegro: ham, mushrooms, olives, artichokes and chili peppers
How I pray that this one comes already cut in half. Or with half of the toppings on one Serbian side; the others on the Montenegrin side.
Netherlands: Hollandaise sauce, ham, asparagus, cheese
Hollandaise sauce. Good choice. Shame Turkey didn’t qualify, huh?
Mexico: Salami, Jalapeño and Tabasco sauce
Wahey! Here’s a pizza that comes quite close to being correct.
Portugal: Ham, spinach and an egg
Random ingredients surely?
Italy: Tomato, mozzarella and fresh basil
A fairly classic pizza, so that’s fine. Plus the bonus of the toppings being the same colour as the Italian flag.
Ghana: honey mustard sauce, cheese, chicken, mandarins and mozzarella
Brazil: broccoli, onions, peppers, sweetcorn and olives
“C’mon gang! Think of something a bit samba-y!” Broccoli and sweetcorn surely just there for their colour.
Croatia: spicy barbeque sauce, bacon and onions
Another random variation, I suspect.
France: Hollandaise sauce, asparagus, peppers, artichoke and cheese
Surely you could’ve done better here.
USA: BBQ sauce, cheese, salami, beef, more cheese, onions and bacon.
Germany’s calling you a fat fuck, America.
Czech Republic: Hollandiase sauce, cheese, salami, bacon, broccoli and peppers
“Oh God, what do they eat there?”
Australia: Mozzarella, rocket, Parma ham, parmesan
“Do we have any kangeroo steaks back there? No? Okay, chuck some ham on that Australian one, Ralf.”
Japan: Tuna and onions
They eat fish.
Saudi Arabia: Hollandaise sauce, cheese, spinach and mushrooms
“I’m getting bored of this now.”
Spain: salami and onions
C’mon, think! Tomatoes, at least.
Ukraine: ham and mushrooms
“Mum, I don’t wanna work at Call a Pizza any more!”
Tunisia: “seafood” and garlic
The German word “Meeresfrüchten” seems to mean seafood. Not sure if that’s vague enough. Whale? Dolphin? Shark?
Switzerland: Edam, mozzarella, feta and gorgozola
“Switzerland. Cheese. See what we did?”
South Korea: Tuna, onions and salami
“It’s close to Japan, isn’t it? Bung some salami on it, that’s different enough”
Togo: Barbeque sauce, cheese, salami, chicken, onions, peppers and sweetcorn
“Right, what’s left in the fridge?”