I think enough time has passed for me to finally think about my resolutions. The 1st of January seems to me to be a silly time to choose to do stuff like that considering it’s a fair possibility that I will wake up with a hangover and just want a cigarette and a bacon sandwich, not a Nicorette patch and a granola bar. Let the resolution-ing begin:
1. I will not spill anything anymore. No more milk dribbles when making a cup of coffee; no more dribbles of water through my beard as I hungoverly gulp down water first thing in the morning; no more superglue on the fingertips: the spilling years are over. For. Ever.
2. I will never trip or stumble again. Broken pavements, steps, cobblestones: beware! You will not make me look stupid any more.
3. I will not sing “Mmmm, Danone” every time I see one of their products.
4. I will not look at my watch, then look again ten seconds later because I failed to take notice the first time.
5. I will not bite a Tic Tac and try to realign the two parts with my tongue, because it stops me enjoying the wonderful vanilla-tinged mintiness.
6. I will not try to hide the fact that I’m sniffing my armpit to see if it’s a bit sweaty by pretending to itch my nose on my upper arm.
7. I will not get caught in a white lie, by saying I’ve seen a film that I haven’t seen or don’t remember, and then find that, when the other person says “that bit when X happens is great, wasn’t it?” I am further and further entangled in the lie.
8. I will not “write” a word on my thigh with my fingertip when someone who I am talking to says a nice, interesting word; leading me to get distracted by my fingertip calligraphy and stop listening to their other words.
9. I will not be bitten by any more mosquitoes. You’ve had your fun, you little buggy bastards.
10. I will not pick at my toenails when wearing flip-flops. I might not think they do, but people probably do notice me doing it.
11. I will not tell people I meet in South America that my German skills are “quite good” because sooner or later one of them will speak German and I’ll have to confess that actually, I’m a lazy bugger who never bothered to learn much German in my seven – sefuckingven! – years there.
That there are eleven resolutions there leads to a twelfth: that I won’t be so insistent on groups of things being “nice” amounts. Like, I won’t stop at ten if there’s actually eleven just to make a nice round number. But this one is number twelve, which does make the list a nice round dozen, which isn’t what I want. But, I shouldn’t add a thirteenth simply to avoid it being a nice amount, either. Which makes my twelfth resolution a two-part resolution, which is more-or-less thirteen, so, y’know, phew!