Flip Flop Flying


with 21 comments

Let us begin the beguine at the beguineing: I am what you human beings call “drunk.” I’m at that stage where I’m in my room – oh fuck, it’s not MY room, it’s a four-bed dorm in a hostel – and I’ve just been stood in front of the mirror calling myself a cunt repeatedly. So, yes, ich bin ein bit drunk. Earlier today, before I left Ushuaia, I was in a cafe and that Celine Dion song from “Titanic” came on. It is, as we all know, a piece of shit song. Utter turd. Absolutely shite. Complete wank. Yes, Mum, I used some swear words. But I noticed a couple in the cafe suddenly got a bit more intimate with each other. Their coffees and their sandwiches faded away into insignificance. They looked at each other, and I knew right there that this was their song. Now, as I said, it’s a shockingly bad song. But, who the fuck am I to judge? It’s fundamentally wrong to mock other peoples’ choice of songs to fall in love to. That might’ve been the song they danced to at their wedding. Who am I to piss on that romantic bonfire? Yes, the song sucks big time; it sounds like a vacuous love song with all the emotional intensity of a laminated menu or a Blu-Tacked “Closing Down Sale” sign in a fax machine shop window, but to these two people, that song brings back all those feelings. It churns up the tornado of love in their bellies. How can I piss on that bonfire with my music-snob shite? I can’t, because I’m the same. I can’t hear “Silent Sigh” by Badly Drawn Boy or “Home and Dry” by the Pet Shop Boys without thinking about the wonderful beginnings of a relationship with a specific girl. I can’t hear “The Way I Feel Inside” by the Zombies without knowing that I was an idiot and fucked up a perfectly good relationship, simply because that song was in “Dear Wendy,” the first film she and I went to see together. In fact, any song by the Zombies does that; which is difficult because I fucking love the Zombies; especially “This Will Be Our Year,” which is a problem because at the time, it really did feel like it would be our year. Then my mental state came crashing down around my ears and I callously and needlessly and regrettably ended it. Yes, I’m a twat. But, thankfully for her, she’s now in a relationship that seems to be going strong, and I’m the one who’s just been sat at the bar in a, err, bar in Patagonia, staring at the smiley-face sticker on the front of my iPod thinking, what the fuck are you smiling at? Yes, this is drunken confession time. Woo hoo, strap yourselves in, the Quilmes beer rollercoaster is beginning. Frankly, I’m sick of my life being partitioned perfectly; with different friends separated to fit different parts of my personality. And, oh fuck, why the hell am I typing this into Blogger? I’m sick of the privacy bubble I’ve blown up around myself. There’s so much I hold back from blogging about. While Hanni and I were together, I hardly mentioned her at all on the blog. I didn’t mention Zombies Girl at all, even though we five months together and spent Christmas with her family in Mexico. That was so wrong. I’m pissed off with myself that I did that kind of stuff. It kinda proves that I’m the cunt that the mirror told me I was, and hopefully, I won’t delete this post in the morning, cos I need this tattooed to remind me not to be a dick any more; to remind me that I’m not as great as I think I am. See, I live in this bubble of ego, where I actually think I’m fucking great and incredibly talented. Essentially, though, apart from the odd flurry of stuff, I’ve had writer’s block for a couple of years now. But I know there’s more good stuff there. It just needs to be forced out somehow. I know that there’s more good stuff to go on FFF, and if I could just somehow sell more books – hey, have you bought Atlas, Schmatlas yet? It really is wonderful, but has sold bugger all so far, partly because of The Onion’s damn (admittedly hilarious) atlas being published at virtually the same time – yes, if I could do that, then maybe I’d have more chance to spend less time whoring myself out to do Minipops for dumb advertising campaigns, and I could find that fucking great idea that IS there inside my head somewhere; something so good that the need I have for other people to adore my work will slip away. But for now, I need that heroin of people leaving comments telling me they like what I have said. It’s sometimes disheartening to write something that amuses me a lot, but gets few comments; it’s a reminder that my humour isn’t always the same as other peoples’. But then a post like the last one comes along and I know it’s pretty damn good. It made me laugh a lot writing it. And I was glad that it got comments and emails: fuck, the Internet is a fun thing. And it made me realise that yes, sometimes things like a blog post can be a work of art. Oh, you may think I’m a pompous, drunken tool right now, but I don’t care. What I do care about is the beauty in imagining a thoroughly unattractive woman cupping my balls in teaspoons. That, to me, is as funny as life gets. And since writing “Atlas, Schmatlas” all I’ve wanted to do is write. Drawing holds no interest for me any more. Hopefully it’s a fleeting thing, but it feels weird to not love drawing. It’s always been there for me in my life. Music waned for a while when it became a job. Football bored me at the beginning of the 1998/99 season after the World Cup (just TOO MUCH football). But drawing never did. And now it has. All I wanna do is write write write. And the beautiful by-product of that is you people. You that have bothered to read this far. Those of you that see beyond those fucking ridiculous Minipops. I love you all. Even those of you that are fucking idiots (joke! It’s was a joke, calm down!). You people are golden. And I hope you stay golden. And stay gold is a fucking great phrase from a fucking great film and also the title of, yes, a fucking great song by Deep Dish. A song that I’d happily fall in love to and have played at my wedding, even though the DJ would probably only have the version with Tracy Thorn singing on it rather than the exquisite instrumental original version. And it would mean that I’d have to do my wedding dance to a house record, but I know, I know that beyond my wife’s shoulder, there would be my mate James at the edge of the dancefloor, and he’d catch my eye and mouth the words “fucking tune!” And life would rule the school and rock the bells at that moment.

Written by Craig

April 14th, 2008 at 11:29 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

21 Responses to 'Drunk'

Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Drunk'.

  1. Hooray! Drunken blog post!


    15 Apr 08 at 09:29

  2. Craig – I’m one of those people who check into FFF every month or so, to check out your latest additions. But I’ve been checking into this blog EVERY day to see what you’ve been up to and have a chuckle. If you want to write at the moment then that’s what you should do – just do what comes naturally!


    15 Apr 08 at 10:27

  3. Oh yes you can be quite an asshole.
    Thanks for the postcards! The Uruguay one arrived yesterday.
    And keep on writing. You know you are good at it and it’s great fun to read.


    15 Apr 08 at 11:38

  4. I read your blog everyday. I don’t always leave a comment because I’m shy!

    I asked for Atlas Schmatlas for my birthday – so there!

    Now, go and drink lots of water and tea with sugar, take two dispirin and eat some toast, preferably with the South American equivalent of marmite on it – the best hangover ever!


    15 Apr 08 at 11:58

  5. I already own Atlas Schmatlas and yes, it is wonderful.


    15 Apr 08 at 12:32

  6. Excellent drunken post. And I’ve been reading a lot recently too, and have even bereadered you, and I’m glad every time I see one of your posts pop up, because I know they’ll be a good and interesting and entertaining read. Yes, categorise yourself as a wordsmith too.


    15 Apr 08 at 13:22

  7. same as coco really – as you know there’s lots of stuff to read/see/do on the internet but come sandwich time in birkenhead this favourite pops up first!

    you have a talent so keep writing and people will buy!

    … and last week it wasn’t a penalty!


    15 Apr 08 at 14:16

  8. Am agreeing with everyone above. I check your blog every lunch time and usually have a hard time not laughing out loud at my desk, as I don’t think I could explain to people why something about teaspoons and bollocks is so funny.

    So keep it up as the internet would be a far duller place without you.


    15 Apr 08 at 14:22

  9. stay gold


    15 Apr 08 at 14:24

  10. Well, there’s a lesson.

    Don’t drink and blog.


    15 Apr 08 at 14:54

  11. Just do what makes you happiest and have the courage of your convictions. I’ve read your blog without commenting for a few years now, but as most peaople have already said, it never fails to keep me amused or interested. The illustrations are a great bonus, but it’s the writing I come back for.


    15 Apr 08 at 16:56

  12. You already are writting, every day
    and all of us check in to read it cause its really, really good.
    Nice to see you being open and honest. We all have crap in our closets and sometimes its good to let it out for everyone to see.


    15 Apr 08 at 17:48

  13. <3 (I really hate doing that because it really doesn't look like a heart. But what the hell I'll do it again <3)


    15 Apr 08 at 19:17

  14. another ‘long-time listener, first-time caller’ type: aw man, serious empathy, especially with the not-being-able-to-listen-to-bands-you-love-coz-of-associations-with-relationship-related-badness
    seriously, keep it up, yr writings are always always interesting, in a totally good way :)
    p.s. i gave my mum ‘atlas schmatlas’ for xmas
    p.p.s. make sure you go to rio before leaving south america – favouritest city in the whole wide world :)


    15 Apr 08 at 20:39

  15. This should cheer you up. Glorious retribution for My Heart Will Go On:


    Chris Varley

    16 Apr 08 at 00:42

  16. Fucking brilliant. You’ve touched on many subjects that I haven’t had the cajones to ever post about, and have been thinking about for ages.

    Drunk posting does enable us to be raw and get those thoughts out there. Bravo, my friend.

    Then again, you don’t need my heroin of a comment ;)

    Courtney P

    16 Apr 08 at 07:12

  17. It’s funny you say that about wanting to write because before you got to that point I was reading and thinking, fuck, this fucker can fucking write. Which can be a bit depressing for a person like me who actually makes a living from writing but is racked, continuously, by self doubt.

    So I’m glad you’re thinking about writing more because you definitely can and, even better, you can do humor, which I find horribly difficult.

    Have at it.


    Fat Andy

    The Big A

    16 Apr 08 at 11:07

  18. Hi! I read this blog, and have done so for… fuck, YEARS now!

    I think you are a good person, Craig, and you have inspired me in many ways. Mostly to keep doing what I love to do, and see where the wind takes me.

    anyway… the word verification for this comment is ‘AGAGLA’ which sounds like a Startrek alien scream from some sort of swamp monster thing.

    I hope you leave this post up. I read it a few days ago but thought you’d delete it so didn’t comment.


    16 Apr 08 at 14:54

  19. Stay Gold is a great tune and i would be mouthing something very similar when you caught my eye.

    it’s worth knowing that people rarely comment on other’s writing – much less than visual stuff. i don’t know why but i do know it’s frustrating. just write for yourself, to amuse yourself. i quite often put stuff in article that no one else will really get.

    stay god, and if you can’t stay gold stay lucky,

    James Kendall

    17 Apr 08 at 14:27

  20. That Celine Dion song is my absolute favourite. I play it to remind me of you you talentless hack (sob). I only ever read your stuff out of sympathy and now you have devastated me. I have just bought and burned ten copies of Atlas Schmatlas an I am now writing to all your clients to forward your disparaging comments.
    Jerzy Dudek


    18 Apr 08 at 20:42

  21. Awesome post. I don’t usually comment, but felt I had to say something.


    29 Apr 08 at 03:20

Leave a Reply