The New Year’s resolutions I made in 2008 were made quite late, on 16 March. Let’s look at how I did, because I know how I did is important to the very fabric of your lives [insert Krusty the Klown groan here].
1. I will not spill anything anymore. No more milk dribbles when making a cup of coffee; no more dribbles of water through my beard as I hungoverly gulp down water first thing in the morning; no more superglue on the fingertips: the spilling years are over. For. Ever.
I’ve done pretty well on this one. I even tripped down three or four steps with a fresh glass of rum and Coke in my hand without spilling a drop.
2. I will never trip or stumble again. Broken pavements, steps, cobblestones: beware! You will not make me look stupid any more.
Well, you’ll see above that I have indeed tripped and stumbled. Many times. The other day, in fact, I stepped in dog poo and walked into a fence cos I wasn’t paying attention. Clumsy fucker.
3. I will not sing “Mmmm, Danone” every time I see one of their products.
Aside from in the days following typing that, I’ve pretty much observed that one perfectly.
4. I will not look at my watch, then look again ten seconds later because I failed to take notice the first time.
Failed resolution. I still do this, more or less daily.
5. I will not bite a Tic Tac and try to realign the two parts with my tongue, because it stops me enjoying the wonderful vanilla-tinged mintiness.
Another failed resolution, but I’m embracing the joy of realignment.
6. I will not try to hide the fact that I’m sniffing my armpit to see if it’s a bit sweaty by pretending to itch my nose on my upper arm.
Again, one that I still do; but not so much right now, cos it’s the winter and it’d take a whole hunk of skanky smell to get through the layers.
7. I will not get caught in a white lie, by saying I’ve seen a film that I haven’t seen or don’t remember, and then find that, when the other person says “that bit when X happens is great, wasn’t it?” I am further and further entangled in the lie.
A success. I’ve stopped doing this. This goes hand in hand with more or less completely losing track with what’s going on in modern music. I’ve heard songs by Animal Collective and MGMT and, well, I wonder if my time is up when it comes to appreciating modern music. Even that Bon Iver dude fails to excite me; an artist that several of my friends have suggested that I would love.
8. I will not “write” a word on my thigh with my fingertip when someone who I am talking to says a nice, interesting word; leading me to get distracted by my fingertip calligraphy and stop listening to their other words.
Still do it, but I now tend to do it in a very cursive, almost calligraphic manner.
9. I will not be bitten by any more mosquitoes. You’ve had your fun, you little buggy bastards.
They didn’t get the directive, those mosquitoes. Having said that, I’ve been mosquito bite free for about six (err, winter) months, so you never know…
10. I will not pick at my toenails when wearing flip-flops. I might not think they do, but people probably do notice me doing it.
Glad to say that I only do this in private now.
11. I will not tell people I meet in South America that my German skills are “quite good” because sooner or later one of them will speak German and I’ll have to confess that actually, I’m a lazy bugger who never bothered to learn much German in my seven – sefuckingven! – years there.
Still do it, but I’ve kinda embraced my ridiculousness with this one. Whenever I think about it, I have a little chuckle because it’s so stupid and lazy. Finally…
That there are eleven resolutions there leads to a twelfth: that I won’t be so insistent on groups of things being “nice” amounts. Like, I won’t stop at ten if there’s actually eleven just to make a nice round number. But this one is number twelve, which does make the list a nice round dozen, which isn’t what I want. But, I shouldn’t add a thirteenth simply to avoid it being a nice amount, either. Which makes my twelfth resolution a two-part resolution, which is more-or-less thirteen, so, y’know, phew!
This one is way too ingrained, I think. There are nice numbers and not nice numbers in my head. One, two, three, four, five, six, eight, ten, twelve, twenty, thirty, fifty, seventy-five, one hundred. All are nice to me. The others… I dunno, it’s the same feeling I get when I know that I’ve forgotten to write down something important.
I’ve not even thought about resolutions for 2009, so thankfully, you won’t have to read this crap on 16 March 2010. I will make a prediction, though, that the resolution that is currently floating around my head will fail: that I should stop comparing what is happens on every day of 2009 with what I was doing when I was travelling around the Americas last year. (By way of an example, on this day last year I was recovering from my all-night Santo Daime experience.)