Flip Flop Flying

3,206: How many people should be in your band?

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Are you a musician? Are you in a band or a group?

How many people should be in your band/group?

Here’s a handy guide to the options available to you.

One
You are a one-man band. You will never be on Top of the Pops, you will just be a menace to pedestrianised areas of cities across the land. Stop it.

Two
The classic. Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, Yazoo, Soft Cell, Blancmange, Tears for Fears, Eurythmics, Wham!, Carpenters, Roxette, Sparks, Daft Punk, Suicide, Mel and Kim, Go West, Communards, Chemical Brothers, The KLF, OMD, Chas & Dave. Someone to look at, someone to do the other stuff. Let’s make lots of money.

Three
Not bad. There’s something nice about a three piece – that whole triangular vibe is good – unless they become really famous and play massive sports venues then there’s no real good focus point for a lot of people in the audience. Maybe this is just me, though, but it looks weird when the singer of a three piece is also the bass player. Can’t get my head around that.

Four
The Beatles did this. They probably didn’t invent it, but they invented it, like so many other things in rock music: getting into some Eastern religious stuff, splitting up, and Justin Bieber’s haircut.

Five
The Rolling Stones did this. Spandau Ballet did it, too. One of them played the saxophone, though: the worst instrument ever invented. Five is the outer limit of proper.

Six
Getting a bit much now. Do you really need six people in your band? It’s unlikely. If you are in a six-piece band, all stand in a circle and visualise one member of the band picking up his so-called “gear” and leaving the room for the good of the band, five of you are thinking about the same person, and the other person is praying it’s not him/her.

Seven
At least one of these people plays something yellow and shiny. Get rid of that person. You can hire one if you need one, which should be never (unless you are in a Mexican band).

Eight and up
You will never make any money because you will spend it all on plane tickets and hotel rooms. And in all seriousness: name more than one famous eight piece band. Slipknot? They had, I dunno, probably that amount. More maybe? It feels like Arcade Fire have some tedious amount like that, too.

Orchestras, choirs, Polyphonic Spree
Just think how annoying that must be. It’d taken four or five elevator trips to get the whole band down from the hotel rooms to the lobby.

So there you have it: fire everyone apart from yourself and a person who can stand next to you with a keyboard. You can thank me when you’re on the cover of Smash Hits.

A wee bit of artwork

Other business
The result was pretty much right-in-the-middle grey, but fuck the rest of us, right? We don’t matter. Take away my EU citizenship because you get all boiled up about being patriotic. Thanks, fuckers.

The song in my head when I woke up this morning
3 A.M. Eternal by The KLF

On this day
150 brick tower, 19 January 2007. Related to this LEGO business: Mountain and Mountain II. Really should’ve done more of these.

Here’s an interesting Wikipedia article
I’m entitled to my opinion

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Written by Craig

January 19th, 2017 at 1:47 am

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