Flip Flop Flying

This guy

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So, there’s this guy. One day he did some washing. He got the stuff out of the washing machine, grabbed his keys, and got ready to take the stuff up to the clothes line on the roof of his building. He did a wee trump before he left the flat, then opened the door. His next door neighbour–a female lady woman–was just coming out of her flat. They exchanged good mornings and both stood by the elevator. She wanted to go to the ground floor, he to the roof. They stood there in silence for a moment. He thought he should just take the stairs to the roof. He realised he could smell his wee trump. It had followed him out of the flat. Should he just go? He was embarrassed. There’s no way she couldn’t also smell it. Oops. What was he to do? Stay in the lift with his wet laundry in his arms all the way to the ground floor then all the way back up to the roof, with the knowledge of the wee trump there in front of them both? No, that’d be dumb.

“I need to go to the roof,” he said.
“Okay, bye,” she said.

He went to the roof and felt terrible. He called himself an idiot. A fucking idiot. A stupid fucking idiot.

He never wanted to bump into his neighbour again. The next day he wrote a letter to the landlord, packed his stuff up, moved out, left the city, got on a plane, flew to another county where he’d never trumped before, rented a shack in the middle of nowhere and now he trumps in peace.

Written by Craig

October 1st, 2014 at 5:29 pm

Posted in Blah blah,Stories

Surfin’ USA

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If everybody had an ocean
Across the USA
Then everybody would have drowned, Brian, ya daftie.

Written by Craig

September 30th, 2014 at 6:46 am

Posted in Blah blah

Standing on the balcony, I got to noticing something…

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Written by Craig

September 29th, 2014 at 2:22 pm

Posted in Blah blah

Much meat

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September 29th, 2014 at 2:21 pm

Posted in Blah blah

Derek Jeter

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Not really an infographic, but here’s something about Derek Jeter.

Written by Craig

September 28th, 2014 at 2:30 pm

Posted in Artwork,Baseball,Sports

Raheem Sterling

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Written by Craig

September 27th, 2014 at 9:33 am

Just a little tweak, Ernest…

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Written by Craig

September 26th, 2014 at 9:05 am

The old snowman

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September 26th, 2014 at 9:04 am

Ballpark on stilts

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September 25th, 2014 at 7:32 pm

Killer Mike with yellow paint on his face

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September 25th, 2014 at 6:15 pm

Infield

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Drawn with a Copic Multiliner SP 0.03, this is about 2 x 1.25 inches.

Written by Craig

September 25th, 2014 at 5:29 pm

Posted in Artwork,Baseball

Naptime

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Written by Craig

September 25th, 2014 at 12:10 pm

A short Northern story

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Written by Craig

September 25th, 2014 at 8:08 am

A wee trump

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Written by Craig

September 25th, 2014 at 8:06 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Between the poles

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Two drawings of the areas between the foul poles at major league stadiums. I kinda like that this combines the idea of an infographic with “art.”

http://flipflopflyin.com/flipflopflyball/art-poles.html

Written by Craig

September 24th, 2014 at 2:52 pm

On the moor

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Go for a walk on the moor. Feel the wind on your face. Clouds, grasses, heather, birds. Get away from the city, away from life. No cellphone reception, no scores, no line-ups, no statistics, no baseball. A break in the clouds, and the sun reveals the brightest of greens. And there, in the middle of that patch of green: a baseball game.

Digital painting done using the Brushes app on an iPad, based on this photograph.

http://flipflopflyin.com/flipflopflyball/art-onthemoor.html

Written by Craig

September 24th, 2014 at 2:47 pm

Let’s make baseball games longer and more boring

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It seems like at least once a season, there will be a bevy of tedious articles where people flap their hands and faint like ladies in Victorian novels about the length of baseball games and how that means people will soon stop going to games and watching on the television. Baseball is long and boring, they say, something has to change! I say NO! It’s too short and not boring enough MLB is not doing enough to stop people watching! This is my 20-point plan for making baseball better.

1. 7.05 p.m. first pitch? Pfff, that’s rubbish. Let’s start the games at 7.05 a.m. and snag that coming-home-from-a-night-shift demographic that all sports currently ignore. Plus ballpark breakfast food, knowhamsayin’?

2. Who doesn’t love the excitement of extra innings? Let’s make that the norm. 18-inning games. Double the pleasure. Double the fun. And if we’re still tied after 18 innings: extra innings!

3. Why are we putting so much pressure on pitchers to pitch quickly? Don’t we want them to be relaxed and mentally prepared? Take all the time you need, Daisuke.

4. Similarly, we want the batters to do the best they can, and if that means Derek Jeter needs to adjust his batting gloves twenty or thirty times before each pitch: so be it.

5. Who doesn’t love walk-up music? Well, let’s hear the whole song, not just a snippet.

6. After each at-bat has ended, one of the players’ children can appear on the big screen, calculating the updated statistics of that batter. With a pencil and paper, not using a calculator. That child could also gain some sort of school credit for doing this.

7. Catchers should be banned from throwing the ball back to the pitcher. They should have to take it to the mound and hand it the pitcher. And then the pitcher would say thank you.

8. God Bless America should be played between every half inning to remind attendees that they are American (in case they had forgotten to be patriotic), and that God exists (in case they had forgotten to be Christian). In Toronto, this still applies. Canadians need reminding that they are inferior to Unitedstatesofamericans.

9. But, we should be accommodating to Johnny Foreigner, because it’s not only Americans who play or watch baseball. Let’s play the anthems from the countries of all the players on the rosters that day! American! Canadian! Dominican! Venezuelan! Cuban! Japanese! Mexican! Australian! CuraƧaoan! Saudi Arabian!

10. I’m not a scientist, so I don’t know if this would actually work, but it feels like it might: put airtight roofs on all stadiums, fill them with helium, give every player and spectator oxygen masks, and let’s see how many massive home runs the batters can hit. Helium is less dense than air, so that should work, right? We’d have longer, higher-scoring games. Just like in the Mexican League!

11. After the seventh-inning stretch and the playing of the full length version of Take Me Out to the Ball Game, why not have a special guest reading out some delightful poems?

12. Players should be obligated to take their own batting gloves and elbow and shin protector things to the dugout after reaching base. Similarly, runners left on base at the end of an inning have to collect their mitts themselves rather than having a team employee doing it.

13. The designated non-hitter. While the American League is all modern and has a DH, and the National League is all old-fashioned and allows its fans to feel superior, both leagues are missing a designated non-hitter. An extra player in the line-up would be something the MLBPA would adore. Let’s extend the careers not just of players who can no longer play defense very well, let’s extend the careers who can no longer hit very well either! Or just give a spot in the line-up to a player we all love. Ken Griffey Jr. could still be a Mariner! That player would be the tenth in the batting order, and would come to the plate, tip his cap, and return to the dugout. Joe Maddon could even have him non-batting clean-up if he wanted.

14. The fourteenth inning of every game could be brought to you by Sony PlayStation 4. Two chairs will be brought the batter’s boxes, and placed facing the big screen. A PlayStation 4 will be put on home plate. Whoever is due to pitch and hit that inning will sit in the chairs and play as themselves for one inning. This will undoubted speed up the game, so Sony can organise for people to dress up like big furry PlayStation controllers and race, similar to Milwaukee’s sausages. They will compete in a 5,000 meter race around the warning track.

15. Screenings of Andy Warhol’s Empire in the middle of the fifteenth inning.

16. Water cooler breaks for the players. Baseball is a sport. Sports mean players sweat. The body needs to replace that water lost to sweat. Let’s get a load of water coolers (prime sponsorship opportunity, Commissioner) and put one at each position so the pitchers, second basemen, center fielders, etc. can get refreshed and have a nice chat.

17. Premier League breaks. Due to my proposed 7.05 a.m. start times, that will, because of time zone difference, allow some synergy with the World’s Greatest Sports League: the English Premier League. Whenever a scintillating 0-0 draw is about to happen, the umpire calls a 90-minute time out so everyone in the park can watch Sunderland vs. Stoke City.

18. John Cage’s 4’33″ will be played and observed in complete silence. Any noise made in the stadium will mean that we have to start again from the beginning.

19. During the seventeenth inning, the t-shirt gun people will keep launching t-shirts into the crowd until every single spectator has a t-shirt.

20. Ballpark security is replaced with the National Guard midway through the game. They create an exclusion zone and no longer permit people from leaving the ballpark until the season is over. Get back in your seat, NOW! At the end of the season, attendees will be permitted to leave, but only until Opening Day the following season, when they will be required BY LAW to return to their seats.

Feel free to use all of these suggestions as you please, Commissioner-elect Manfred.

Written by Craig

September 24th, 2014 at 9:00 am

Posted in Baseball,Blah blah

Tennant & Lowe’s

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September 22nd, 2014 at 2:33 pm

Palette

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September 22nd, 2014 at 8:54 am

Pet Shop Boys

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Written by Craig

September 22nd, 2014 at 8:53 am